Last night it hit me like a wrecking ball hitting a brick
wall, these next 13 days are the last 13 days I had last year with Avery. Just like that, it’s been a year. It hit me hard last night. It’s not like I haven’t been well aware of
June’s approach. June is always on my
mind. But last night it finally
registered that this year is quickly coming to a close. And after June 12th, I will no
longer be able to look back and say, “this time last year…Avery was safe inside
me…I was nesting and cleaning like a fool over Memorial Day weekend…today was
my last day at work before maternity leave.”
After June 12th, she will no longer have been with me just a
year earlier. And I don’t know why, but
I cannot come to grips with that. I just
want to sit and relive each moment over and over again.
I would love to just sit in a dark quiet room watching this
time last year unfold in front of me like an old home movie on a closed loop. I would love to just sit and lose myself in
every detail of this time last year. But
I cannot. I cannot remember every detail
like I would like. I have general ideas
of what I was doing. I have strong
memories of our 6 days with Avery but I cannot live them out perfectly. Those are days I will never get back.
Until last night, I was focusing all of my energy on the
positive things we would be doing for Avery’s birthday, focusing on our escape
trip we are taking shortly after her birthday, focusing on work, focusing on
projects, etc. I wasn’t letting June get
to me. But my walls of distractions have
not just cracked, they’ve buckled and have crumbled to the ground at the weight
of that wrecking ball.
Oh how I just wish I could go back to this time in
2012. When life was still perfect and
Avery was still here with me. 
I totally get this. June is the month Kenley was conceived. One year ago, we took the first steps in becoming parents, and now here we are.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always!
If only we had time travel, just to hold our babies again.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the first year is so hard. The last of the 'this time last year' moments. But I must admit that, contrary to what I thought at the time the second year really has been easier. I could look back and say that this time last year I was, what, insane with grief? suicidal? dysfunctional? The reality is that this time this year is way better than this time last year. I hope it will get softer for you too. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.
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