Friday, May 31, 2013

These are the last days we had

Last night it hit me like a wrecking ball hitting a brick wall, these next 13 days are the last 13 days I had last year with Avery.  Just like that, it’s been a year.  It hit me hard last night.  It’s not like I haven’t been well aware of June’s approach.  June is always on my mind.  But last night it finally registered that this year is quickly coming to a close.  And after June 12th, I will no longer be able to look back and say, “this time last year…Avery was safe inside me…I was nesting and cleaning like a fool over Memorial Day weekend…today was my last day at work before maternity leave.”  After June 12th, she will no longer have been with me just a year earlier.  And I don’t know why, but I cannot come to grips with that.  I just want to sit and relive each moment over and over again. 
I would love to just sit in a dark quiet room watching this time last year unfold in front of me like an old home movie on a closed loop.  I would love to just sit and lose myself in every detail of this time last year.  But I cannot.  I cannot remember every detail like I would like.  I have general ideas of what I was doing.  I have strong memories of our 6 days with Avery but I cannot live them out perfectly.  Those are days I will never get back. 

Until last night, I was focusing all of my energy on the positive things we would be doing for Avery’s birthday, focusing on our escape trip we are taking shortly after her birthday, focusing on work, focusing on projects, etc.  I wasn’t letting June get to me.  But my walls of distractions have not just cracked, they’ve buckled and have crumbled to the ground at the weight of that wrecking ball.
Oh how I just wish I could go back to this time in 2012.  When life was still perfect and Avery was still here with me. 


  1. I totally get this. June is the month Kenley was conceived. One year ago, we took the first steps in becoming parents, and now here we are.
    Thinking of you always!

  2. If only we had time travel, just to hold our babies again.

  3. The end of the first year is so hard. The last of the 'this time last year' moments. But I must admit that, contrary to what I thought at the time the second year really has been easier. I could look back and say that this time last year I was, what, insane with grief? suicidal? dysfunctional? The reality is that this time this year is way better than this time last year. I hope it will get softer for you too. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.