I decided to log into pinterest to gain some inspiration for a prayer flag for Avery that I want to make for an October 15th remembrance ceremony held in Australia by the wonderful Carly Marie (http://www.carlymarieprojectheal.com) and there it is, my board for baby ideas. I started the board when I first found out I was pregnant and it quickly became my guilty pleasure. I would pin frequently ideas for Avery's room, crafts to do once she was here anything baby. I haven't logged in since before she was born. I knew it would be there, I just didn't remember how much I had pinned. There were the plans I had for her, live and in living color. Hand prints, bookshelves, memory books, things I will never get to do with her. It was like a slap in the face. So much, I don't and will never get to do with her.
I thought about deleting it all. Why be constantly reminded of what i can't have? But, I've decided to keep it. That board is Avery's. It's my hopes and dreams. It's what I thought of when she was growing inside of me. That board is her. As much as it hurts to look at it, it also makes me smile. It's a reminder of how much love I had for her even before I held her for the first time. While I can't create the things in the board, I can look back and be reminded of how much she changed me even before she was born.
Even though, it was hard to see, I think I may have found inspiration! One thing I had posted was a cute wall plaque that read, "No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." How true that is! I may add this to my prayer flag if there is room. I'd like to think that maybe seeing the board wasn't such a bad thing, maybe Avery was sending me a sign, that she's here and she knows how much I love her.