I survived another month. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I woke up this morning to a new day. Maybe it was because I kept myself busy, that I kept myself from dwelling on the many emotions I was feeling, maybe I just blocked it all. Whatever the reason, I survived.But today, I am down, really down. I feel exhausted even though I slept for 9 hours last night. Without my baby girl, I feel broken; I don’t feel whole or even relatively like any part of the old me. I find myself just going through the motions of life in survival mode and yesterday made me realize this. I am not actually living like but rather just getting through it.
When Avery passed, I felt a need to live. I realized how short life is and I didn’t want life to pass me by. I told myself and my husband that we weren’t going to let excuses hold us back from things. We were going to travel, do more things together, try different things, etc. I am sorry to say that in the past 3 months, I haven’t lived at all.
While I was on my leave from work, I did nothing all day. I rarely left the house. Most days, I would sleep as long as possible, watch TV or just sit in Avery’s room and write to her. It was summer and I live in Florida, there was so much I could have done. While I understand I was sad, I should have been doing something. I had friends call and want to get me out and yet, I would just sit-alone and empty-waiting for my husband to get home from work. Then at night, we would sit together.
Now that I am back at work, the routine has changed but not by much. I go to work, avoid as many people as possible, do what I can to get by and count down the time until I can go home and just sit and do nothing. My life is full of mindless nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I have done things. We’ve gone to a movie, dinner with friends, the beach but 95% of my life lately is about surviving and not living.
I know it hasn’t been long since she went to Heaven and that of course I am going to need time but I feel the frustration with myself growing. Through all of this, I have said I want to make her proud; I want to live because she didn’t get the chance to do so many things. But time and time again I am only functioning in survival mode and that is not living and I’m sure she can’t be proud of her mother who just wants another day to end so I can get through the next one.I don’t really know what is holding me back from living. I think maybe I have just gotten use to hiding out in my house. I am comfortable at home. I don’t have to worry about people asking me questions, I don’t have to worry about seeing people with their babies, and I don’t have to worry about seeing pregnant women. At home, I can feel close to her. At home I am in my own world with her. Living would mean accepting my new reality in a way that I obviously haven’t yet.
Today I am lost and disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I have spent the last 3 months feeling sorry for myself and holding myself back from living a life that would make my daughter proud. Today, I want to make it a point to try to switch from survival mode to actually living. I know that it is going to take time but I am going to do my best to live, to live for my beautiful Avery.
Yesterday afternoon was rainy, which was fitting since it was raining the day she was born and rained everyday she was here. On our way back from the cemetery, the rain was clearing out and there was a beautiful rainbow peeking through the clouds. It was just a small portion of it shining down out of the dark clouds but it was stunning. (I had to take it from my phone while driving so the picture does it no justice).
I immediately thought of Avery and felt like she was shining the rainbow down on us, telling us, everything is going to be OK, that she is OK and that she is with us always. I absolutely love these moments and cherish them deeply.