FInding a glimpse of light when surrounded by darkness

To put it mildly, this past week, I have been quite a mess of emotions.  I’ve been feeling very anxious with Christmas and New Year’s approaching.  I am dreading of facing those holidays physically as family of 2 instead of 3 like I thought we would.  The looming holidays are exhausting enough.  Then the tragic events that happened a week ago in Connecticut have brought back a wave of emotions.  In some ways, I feel it has renewed my grief.  It brings me back to where I was 6 months ago, when my grief was so raw and I was still in shock.  The ache I feel in my heart for all of those families whose lives were turned upside down in an instant is deep.  Hearing daily that yet another innocent child is being laid to rest makes me relive those first days after losing Avery over and over.  My heart breaks for those families and they are in my prayers as they too approach the holidays without their angels.  It is so overwhelming how unfair life can turn out. 

Yesterday, anger was my driving emotion, as you can tell from my post.  Today, even though I am emotionally exhausted and would love to just go to sleep and wake up after the holidays, I am trying to be positive.  I am trying to remind myself that there are many people who do care about us and do remember Avery constantly.  I am trying to remind myself that while this life does not make sense and this world is unjust that there is still good to be found.

I’d like to post about a few good things that have happened recently.

On Monday, a friend dropped off a gift for my husband and me.  In it, I found 2 amazing gifts.  One was a silver cuff bracelet with Avery’s name and one of our favorite scriptures (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) engraved on it.  It is beautiful!  I love it.  She also made us 2 printed photo books with pictures of Avery, poems, pictures I took for the Capturing your Grief project and Avery’s name pictures.  The book is absolutely, positively amazing!  It is probably the best gift anyone has ever given to us since losing Avery.  There was so much thought and time put into the book, her love poured out of it as I flipped through the pages.  I am so thankful to have such amazing people in our lives; people who support us and do everything in their power to lift us up; people who remind us that they too remember her.   

I also recently received emails/texts from family and friends showing me what their children wrote in memory of Avery.  My co-worker’s 8 year old daughter had a worksheet to do for school.  A fill in the blank form, it said, “If I could give anyone in the world a gift, the gift would be…(she wrote), that baby Avery would come back.” It continues with, “I would give it to…(she wrote), Miss Crystal.” Followed by, “Because…(she wrote) baby Avery was Miss Crystal’s baby but she died when she was 6 days old.  I would do anything to bring Avery back.  We are so sad.”  There was also a picture drawn of me and Avery.  This was from an 8 year old, who never met Avery and has only met me a handful of times.  This was beyond heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.  I’m so afraid of people forgetting Avery and here is a baby herself who thinks of my daughter all the time.  The same girl also made me a book to help me feel better because she knew I was sad.  It was full of drawings and cute sayings from her.  That little girl has made my day, multiple times!  <3

Another instance comes from my 14 year old cousin.  For a project he had to write a Santa letter.  In his letter he writes that he doesn’t want anything for Christmas this year as he realizes he has more than he needs and he would rather other people in need have their needs met.  He goes on to say that Avery’s passing and the tragedy in Connecticut has made him realize how heartbroken people are and that he wants these families to be helped instead of himself.  There still is hope for the world!  Children get it, why don’t the adults? 

I was feeling a little down while receiving Christmas cards because nobody included Avery on them.  It hurt me because I so badly want people to include her on the cards but I also understand that they probably don’t know what to do and are afraid of hurting us worse seeing her name on the cards.  While feeling down that people were forgetting her, I received a package from an Aunt.  She sent us a beautiful wind chime, with a beautiful poem and Avery’s name engraved on the chime.  Even though I felt like she forgot Avery because she didn’t write her name on the Christmas card we received earlier in the week, she didn’t.  She went beyond by giving us a gift to remember Avery with. 

While I may be having a rough week and struggling with my grief, I need to take time and recognize the good.  There is still good in this awful world.  There are still people who care.  There are still those who remember my daughter even 6 months later.  For this, I am thankful and on this I will try to focus my thoughts. 

I pray that everyone in the babyloss community finds peace and calm this Christmas.  Love to you all! <3