Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Drowning in Grief

My goal for 2013 was to stay positive. 9 days in and I'm failing. Miserably. I've been drowning in my grief since Avery's 7 month birthday on the 6th.

I've learned grief is like a rip current. One moment you think you're ok, your swimming, enjoying the sea, letting your guard down, going with the flow of the waves and then it catches you. It pulls you under and rapidly drags you out to sea.

I made it through December better than expected. My goal was to be strong. I wanted to be stronger than my grief. I wanted to fight it with all my might, push forward and feel like I was living life. Well, so far that's been an epic fail. I'm drowning and the harder I fight it, the further I'm pulled out.

They say if you get caught in a rip current you aren't supposed to fight it. They say, fighting the current will wear you out and you won't survive. Maybe I should apply the same thought process to my grief. It seems the more I fight it, the more it engulfs me and my entire being. The more I fight it, the weaker I am.

They say instead of fighting the rip current, you should swim parallel to the shore. This keeps you from being pulled out further to sea. Then, once the current releases you, you can slowly swim to shore.

Maybe instead of fighting to stay positive and fighting the strong emotions I've had this week, I should embrace my grief more. Roll with it until this tide passes and it slowly releases its iron clad grip and then I can slowly bring myself back, slowly.

Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. I've been forcing myself to try to feel better, trying to function more, trying to go back to the 'old me.' I've said I'd never be the old me before, so why do I think I should be back to functioning like I use to already? Maybe I need to cut myself some slack. The more I fight it and force it, the worse off I am.

This journey is exhausting. The rip current of grief has been dragging me further out to the grief sea. And I've been trying my darnedest to fight it, to swim back to shore. I don't see a lifeguard jumping in to save me. I think I need to take their advice though, I need to start swimming parallel to shore, taking it one stroke at a time, until it subsides and I have the strength to swim back to shore. The thing about rip currents I have to remember is, they don't just happen one time, they can strike at any moment. I need to remember that even if I get back to or close to shore, I will be taken out to sea again and again. This is the journey I am on and while the shore may get closer, I will never get out of this water.


  1. Dearest Avery's mommy- I have decided (this is just my personal journey) that I want to grieve. parts of me feel like if I am not grieving I have dishonored Chloe. I dont want her to be forgotten, I want to feel the momements we had with her.

    I know this is hard NO ONE should ever have to bury their child. it is not natural so neither is the life you are trying to live. It's ok to walk in grief your way.

    Life will be better- not easy and you will never get over it but there will be moments you can cherish again.

    Prayers and hugs,

    1. Thanks Jenn. I agree. I need to grieve. I was doing fairly well lately (as well as someone grieving their child can be). But this past week, I feel like I am back in June. My grief is keeping me from functioning, I don't want to get out of bed, I can control my tears. This grief is what I've been fighting but it IS part of my journey. And now that you've said it, I think maybe fighting it is why I feel disconnected from Avery lately.

      Thanks for your support! <3

  2. You are exactly right sweetie. We just have to let the grief happen. We can't try to fight it or push through it faster, it just has to happen. You have suffered the worst loss a mother can suffer, and there is no timeline for your grief. You will grieve the rest of your life for sweet Avery. As the days, months, and years go on you will continue to grieve, it won't ever be better but it will be different. You do what you need to to get through this hard time, and know someone from Iowa is thinking about you daily and praying for you. Hugs!!

  3. I've nominated you for the Liebster award! Check it out at

  4. I came across your blog from Confessions of a Twin Mom (Melanie) and this post just really tugged at my heart. We lost one of our twins in 2011 and I can so relate to these feelings. When you think it's supposed to be getting easier, when the world has moved on, you are still missing your baby girl. And that's okay. I think the deep, deep grief that we experience is an indicator of how much our sweet babies are loved. Take the time to grieve and do what you need to do for your Avery.

  5. I lost my son at 24 weeks along, 3 weeks ago. I'm just going through blogs trying to keep my head above water today. This post makes me feel like I'm not crazy... I thought by now I'd start seeing some, ANY, progress with the grief, and I feel like I haven't and never will. The grief seems almost stronger than it was the day it happened. Thank you for posting... it's makes the world less lonely to know it's not a simple task...