My goal for 2013 was to stay positive. 9 days in and I'm failing. Miserably. I've been drowning in my grief since Avery's 7 month birthday on the 6th.
I've learned grief is like a rip current. One moment you think you're ok, your swimming, enjoying the sea, letting your guard down, going with the flow of the waves and then it catches you. It pulls you under and rapidly drags you out to sea.
I made it through December better than expected. My goal was to be strong. I wanted to be stronger than my grief. I wanted to fight it with all my might, push forward and feel like I was living life. Well, so far that's been an epic fail. I'm drowning and the harder I fight it, the further I'm pulled out.
They say if you get caught in a rip current you aren't supposed to fight it. They say, fighting the current will wear you out and you won't survive. Maybe I should apply the same thought process to my grief. It seems the more I fight it, the more it engulfs me and my entire being. The more I fight it, the weaker I am.
They say instead of fighting the rip current, you should swim parallel to the shore. This keeps you from being pulled out further to sea. Then, once the current releases you, you can slowly swim to shore.
Maybe instead of fighting to stay positive and fighting the strong emotions I've had this week, I should embrace my grief more. Roll with it until this tide passes and it slowly releases its iron clad grip and then I can slowly bring myself back, slowly.
Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. I've been forcing myself to try to feel better, trying to function more, trying to go back to the 'old me.' I've said I'd never be the old me before, so why do I think I should be back to functioning like I use to already? Maybe I need to cut myself some slack. The more I fight it and force it, the worse off I am.
This journey is exhausting. The rip current of grief has been dragging me further out to the grief sea. And I've been trying my darnedest to fight it, to swim back to shore. I don't see a lifeguard jumping in to save me. I think I need to take their advice though, I need to start swimming parallel to shore, taking it one stroke at a time, until it subsides and I have the strength to swim back to shore. The thing about rip currents I have to remember is, they don't just happen one time, they can strike at any moment. I need to remember that even if I get back to or close to shore, I will be taken out to sea again and again. This is the journey I am on and while the shore may get closer, I will never get out of this water.