Monday, January 21, 2013

Missing the little things

Everyday I live knowing my daughter is not here with me like we planned. Every morning I wake up to thoughts of her. I lay thinking about her and this messed up reality I'm forced to live. Every morning it's a struggle to get out if bed. This is my new normal.

However, there is another part if my new normal. It's the thoughts that hit you out of the blue and throw you for a loop.

This morning for example, I finally found the strength to get out of bed and get to work (30 minutes late, which is also a new normal for me) but as I'm in the shower I begin thinking of Avery. My thoughts wander to giving her a bath and the fact that as her mommy, I never gave her a proper bath. They have her 2 in the hospital, the last being the day we left. I wasn't part of those. Then, once we were home we only did quick sponge baths with her. We had planned to bust out the baby tub and give her more traditional bath the day we lost her. I am a mother yet I've never given my child a bath!?!?

I wonder if she would have liked the bath, probably not. But I missed knowing this for sure. I missed seeing her expressions as the water dripped over her skin. I missed drying her off and cuddling her warm. I missed playing with her beautiful hair when it was all wet. I missed so much and this is only bath time!

That did it. The strength I found in bed to get my day going was gone. I cried through my shower and slowly pulled myself together. But as I sit here at work, I can't help but obsess over all of the things I didn't get to do.

I hate my new normal. I certainly don't feel normal. Not only do I have to struggle with the enormous void in my life but daily I have to battle the little things that take over my thoughts. Things as small as a bath that turn my world upside down all over again. I want her back-I want my life back! But instead I must live missing her everyday until we are once again reunited.

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