Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I'm stuck in 3 worlds...

I am simultaneously living (unsuccessfully) in 3 worlds in my mind. Theres the world where I am Avery's mother and she is with me. There's the world I dream to have, the world where I get to be a mom again. And then there's the world I'm stuck in currently.

In the Avery world I cling to every memory of her with a passion I didn't know I had. A passion and love I didn't know was possible. I was a mother. Avery was my purpose in life; a purpose that I don't know I had. She was my everything. I want her back with every fiber of my being. I would do anything to have her back with me. But she's gone and I'm stuck in the land of "should of beens."

Then there's the world I want to be in; the world I dream of. The place where we are blessed with a sibling for Avery. A place where I get to actively be a mommy. In this world, I still miss Avery like crazy but I get to fulfill my purpose in life. A place where I get to see my child grow past 6 days into adulthood and get to experience every milestone in between. A place where hope is restored and happiness found. A place where I share Avery with her sibling and get to mother both of them. This is a place I long for. This place feels the closest to normal I'll ever come close to again. This place is what I long for yet is beyond my current reach.

Then there is the place I am stuck. The place where I am trying to figure out where I belong and how I'm supposed to live now. A place where my career means nothing to me anymore. Where my house is too quiet. Loneliness surrounds me in a room full of people. A place where my husband and I don't know what to do with our free time. A place where I avoid crowds and meeting new people. A place with fewer and fewer people to talk to. A place where all that I want and can't have is thrown in my face everywhere I go. I hate this place. Everything about it feels extremely wrong.

So here I sit stuck somewhere in the middle of all of these places with no idea where I am supposed to be. I can't live forever in my fantasy Avery world and until we come to an agreement and put the fear aside, I cannot move to the world I long to be part of. Yet I cannot find it in myself to fully accept the world I am stuck in. I don't want this world. I loathe this world. I want more. Yet I can't have it and I have zero control over getting to that place in life.

So I'm stuck in 3 worlds, trying to be 3 different people. It's a nightmare, one I can't seem to wake up from. A world where nobody around me gets me anymore. It's a very quiet, very isolating place. Oh what I would do to hit rewind or fast forward. Where's the DVR controller to my life when I need it? If it were only that easy.

All I can do is pray, and pray some more. I try to focus on Romans 8:28 but I'm finding it so hard. I really just wish I could have a glimpse at God's plan and be reassured that happiness will find me again. But life doesn't work that way so today I pray for peace and comfort and hope and patience. I need all of that to help me survive my 3 worlds.

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