Remembering Our Babies This Easter

Easter is upon us and instead of buying Avery a cute dress for church tomorrow, instead of making her first Easter, instead of coloring eggs with her, instead of doing the many things I should be doing, I've been missing her.

So many have written Avery's name for me, I felt it was time to repay the favor. The past few days, I've been honored to spent hours remembering the babies of those I've met along this journey.

This simple project has helped me tremendously over the last few days and at the same time, broken my heart just that much more. I've done over 50 names. 50! That number is just not acceptable.

Please take a moment to remember these little ones and their families as you celebrate with yours this weekend.

Grief Sunglasses

Once upon a time, i had a beautiful pair of glasses. I wore them most days. These glasses were rose colored and trough them, the world seemed bright. Those glasses fell from my face on June 12th, were ran over by a semi and will never make their way back to me. I replaced these shades with big, dark grief glasses. Every day, I enter the world with them tightly pressed to my face.

Most days, the glasses keep me in a fog, unable to see through the grey. But lately, Ive noticed the tint on the glasses beginning to fade a bit. This morning however, for a brief moment, i could almost see clearly through them.

A good friend had a necklace made for me a few months after Avery passed. I knew immediately I would hang it from the rear view mirror in my car so I could have it with me everywhere I go.

This necklace has hung in my car for months. I see it almost daily. But today, something about watching the necklace glitter and shine so bright in the morning sun, really resonated with me. The light finally pierced my grief sunglasses I've been sporting the last 9 months.

I've tried numerous times to snap a picture of the reflections of light the necklace spreads across my car to and from work each day but the pictures never do it justice. And today I realized, maybe I'm not supposed to be able to capture to true beauty of this necklace and its reflections on film. Maybe this is one of those moments sent down to me from Avery for only me to enjoy. A time for me to feel like shes riding along with me. The reflections of this beautiful necklace now have a new meaning.

The whole way to work, I just felt such a sense of peace and calm thinking about the necklace and its glimmers of light in that way. Avery brought so much light into my world and continues to do so daily. Sometimes it may take me awhile to see the light through my grief sunglasses, but there is always some beautiful light to be found.

For the friend who had the necklace made for me, thank you again! The necklace has so much more meaning to me than ever before.

Think before you speak

I've been thinking a lot today about how easy it is to remember the things people do to hurt you but not as easy to sometimes recall what they've done to help you.

I'll admit, I am guilty of doing it. Especially since I've been on this journey. So many people feel the need to say something to try to "fix" my feelings and end up doing much more harm than good. I've heard so many off the wall sentiments that I'm sure were said with good intentions but we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads... ;)

Some of my favorites so far have been:

-I'm glad it wasn't you. (Haven't talked to that person in 9 months)
-You're still young. (Which means what?)
-Maybe next time you'll be blessed with twins. (Because Avery wasn't a blessing?)
-You can always adopt. (I don't even know why this was said. I haven't been told I can't try again).
-The loss of a child is to pay back a Karmic debt. (Yep, that happened).

These are in addition to all of the cliches that come flying out of people's mouths without any thought. Honestly, a year ago, I too probably would have spewed out some cliched nonsense. (I would not however said any of the above, contrary to many, I am slightly intelligent).

The reason for this post isn't to rant, rave or vent but really to educate. If you are reading this and have not personally been through a loss please listen carefully...

You can't fix this, you can't say anything to un-break my heart.

But what you can do is simple!

-Be there to listen, and I mean listen not try to make it better
-Say my daughter's name. There is nothing better than having someone else bring up Avery.
-If you feel the need to say anything, keep it simple: I'm praying for you, I love you, I'm here for you, etc.

The people who have made the greatest impact on my healing are the ones who do this. And I am thankful for each and everyone of those people. I wouldn't be where I am today without their support and love.

Please be cautious as to what you say to someone who is grieving. We are a delicate bunch and don't need words adding to our hurt.