Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A step forward

Here we are again, it's the 6th of yet another month. Has it really been 9 months already? I cannot believe I would have a 9 month old at home already, probably getting ready to become mobile. Time is moving at a rapid pace and yet every 6th of the month, I feel like I'm right back in that hospital room with Avery. Oh how I wish life has a rewind button. I'd love to rewind and live those 6 days again I'm slow motion.

And even though today I am back in those moments, I have taken a huge step forward. Today, I actually made it in to work. Since coming back to work in August, I've avoided pretty much everything outside of my house on the 6th and 12th of each month. It was easier hiding out in the comfort of my home where I could cuddle up with my Avery bear from Molly Bears or her blanket. Hiding out was doing me no good but it allowed me to stay in my comfort zone and allowed me to focus primarily on Avery on those days. This month I decided I needed to quit hiding from life and take that next step; a step away from my comfort zone.

In the last 9 months I've stayed close to my comfort zone, only stepping out occasionally (and usually by force). I've avoided being around new people, new environments and situations I felt would make me uneasy. I'm not saying I was wrong in doing so (or that anyone who does this is wrong, there is no right or wrong on this journey we are on) but I felt it was time I stop hiding out. Whether I hide out in a dark room clinging to the things that make me feel close to her or spend my days elsewhere, the fact remains that she is not here with us. Hiding from life isn't going to bring her back.

So I made a pact with myself that this month I wasn't going to run away from the dates. Last night, I started getting really anxious that I was leaving her behind and she would be upset at me. But I talked myself down from the irrational guild ledge I was teetering on. I won't lie, this morning was hard but I pushed through and made it to work. Albeit, an hour later than normal but I made it. And while it hasn't been an easy day and I've cried while sitting at my desk more than I have in awhile, I'm surviving.

Ive struggled with moving forward without Avery. I find myself getting overwhelmed with the future, with the unknown and when I focus on those things, I start retreating. I want to run and hide from life and all of the pain associated with it. The thought that 5, 10, 50 years down the road I'll still be without her is so overwhelming, I'm not sure how to process it. The anxiety, the fear, the pain-it's just too much at times. I cannot allow myself to continue being overpowered by these thoughts and things I cannot control. I've been trying the past few weeks to keep reminding myself to just take one step at a time and take life one moment, one day at a time. When I focus on small steps, I find myself taking them and I find it a little easier to breathe.

So here I am, 9 months since Avery was born working on taking small steps forward and trying to navigate my way through life without her. I miss her so much.

I found it fitting while writing this to share the verse I've been working to memorize this week:

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Joshua 1:9


  1. My therapist tries to nail one thing into my head every time I visit her.

    I can't get ahead of myself. It's one day. One hour. Sometimes even one minute at a time. And that's all I get.

    It's really hard, but the past 3 weeks have been SO much better for me now that I've sort of figured out how to think like this. I feel the worst when I get ahead of myself, so I try my hardest to just stay in the moment. Whatever that moment is.

    Happy 9-month birthday, Avery ♥

  2. Thinking of you and Avery today <3 <3