Illuminate: Week 1

The following post is my first assignment in the online photography course, Illuminate.  To find our more about the course and its instructor, fellow babyloss mom, Beryl, click here.

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My sweet Avery,

From the moment we found out you were coming, you changed our world. It had been just your Daddy and I all alone for so long we were beyond overjoyed that you would grow our family of two. We spent 9 months planning our life as a family of three and looking forward to all of the changes you would bring to our lives. 

Those months spent planning, shopping and seeing you on the ultrasound screen were so exciting. We worked so hard to have everything so perfect for your arrival. Your Daddy took pride in painting your room and assembling all of your furniture. I spent hours on Pinterest and Etsy finding cute outfits, crafts and picture ideas that we would do once you arrived.  It truly was an amazing time for our family.

Then you finally arrived. You entered this world full of life and hair. My beautiful little girl, the first time I held you, I knew I would never let you go. I can honestly say I had no idea my heart could feel so much love for someone. Instantly we were head over heels in love with you and so was the rest of our family. The next 6 days were the best of my life; full of love and happiness. We spent every moment we could holding you, cuddling you and loving on you. Our family felt complete, the three of us. I loved the look in your Daddy's eyes when he was holding you. We were in awe of your beauty. We spent those six days with you in complete bliss.

Then it all came crashing down. Our world stopped when you left us for heaven. Our hearts have been broken and no matter how much time passes, they will never be fully back together because you took a piece of us with you.   The last 9 months have been a roller coaster of emotions. For the first few weeks and months, the basic tasks of life were almost impossible. I didn't have the strength to do much of anything. I only wanted to stay in bed with your blanket or in your room with my Avery bear. I felt so close to you at home and I didn't have to fear the unknown if I didn't leave the house. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide in our house forever and slowly, I've made my way back into the world. 

Life now isn't what I expected. Instead of mothering you, I spend time mothering your grave; sitting and talking to you, bringing you fresh flowers. Instead of a house full of fun and a little 9 month old keeping us busy, Daddy and I sit in a lonely, quiet house. I spend a lot of time in your room and as I sit and think of you, the world outside of our little house keeps moving forward. Seemingly unaware of the pain we feel every time we arrive to the stillness of a home that is missing the most important family member.

There is such a hole, a void in our lives without you here with us. As time pushes us forward, we are slowly learning how to live with the pain and emptiness. Our lives will never be the same because you have forever changed us. You taught us love beyond any I ever thought I could feel. You've brought us even closer and made us realize what matters in life. You've shown us a strength I didn't know was possible and made us want to be better people to make you proud so that when we see you again, we will know we lived to honor you.  We will always tell your story and talk about you with anyone who will listen, we will always do things in your name, to remember and memorialize you.  No matter how much time passes, you will always be the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about when I close my eyes at night. 

This week has been a hard week. We are hitting 9 months since losing you, 9 months since we said our final good byes, 9 months of trying to figure out how we are supposed to live without you.  This weekend will mark a year since your baby shower and we will also reach the point that you will have been gone from us for longer than you were safely inside of me and in my arms.   This week weighs heavily on me and I find myself back to feeling so incredibly alone without you. The void feels bigger this week than last and I find myself clinging to anything that reminds me of you; I long to feel you close to me.

We love and miss you so much Avery. Thank you for being my amazing daughter, you make me so proud. I will love you and hold you close every day for the rest of my life.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy