"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost
I remember leaving the funeral home the day after Avery died and seeing the traffic go buzzing down US 1, people coming and going, going about their day completely unaware of the woman in the parking lot still in shock that her daughter was gone. These people were going about their lives just as they had the day before. And there I stood my world in shambles not knowing how I was supposed to continue on.
As much as I absolutely loathe it, Robert Frost was right, life goes on. My life isn't what I expected but it continues. Whether I hide in bed or face the world, it keeps spinning.
I've been struggling lately. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't relate to the person I was before Avery. My old life and its worries seem much too trivial now. And I'm not who I was with Avery here in my arms. How can I be when she is no longer in them? Work is no longer a driving factor for me, now it's really just a job and source of income. I find myself simply existing and going through the motions of what is expected of me-wake up, go to work, do something for dinner, pretend I'm doing much better than I am when I see people, go to sleep and repeat.
This weekend I sat alone quite a bit while my husband worked and in that quiet alone time, my anger started boiling to the surface again. I HATE this life I'm being forced to live, I want the world to stop for me, I want to hide and sleep all day. I want my daughter back with me. But the unfortunate truth is these things cannot and will not be happening in this life.
People are starting to give us more and more space. I think we've reached the point where enough people think enough time has passed to do this. And while that is probably true, it is very isolating. In the beginning friends and family were constantly reaching out to see what we needed whether it be dinner or a break from reality. In the past month or two that has slowly come to a halt. And please don't get me wrong and read into these statements differently, I'm not trying to place blame on our support team, they've been fantastic and I am forever grateful of their support, but it is just another realization that life goes on.
So where so I go from here? I can't go back, I don't want to go forward but unless I do, I'll be stuck on the rut forever. I can't expect others to push me forever but I can't muster up enough strength to push myself. If I don't snap out of this soon, I will look back and realize again that life, no matter what we do, it goes on. I don't want to be left behind and I don't want to regret this time I've been given. I want to look back on this time when I get to Heaven and see Avery and know that she is proud of how I lived my days with her in my heart.
**I have to note, as I had this post ready and about to publish, my office phone rang. It was an associate of mine at the hospital we are affiliated with calling to ask if I could set up payroll deductions for the March of Dimes. As we talked she mentioned they would love to have as part of their team to fundraiser and participate in the walk for babies. Of course I said yes! How is that for God's perfect timing?!? Now I have something on my immediate horizon that I can put my energy and time into and make a positive impact. **