Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Think before you speak

I've been thinking a lot today about how easy it is to remember the things people do to hurt you but not as easy to sometimes recall what they've done to help you.

I'll admit, I am guilty of doing it. Especially since I've been on this journey. So many people feel the need to say something to try to "fix" my feelings and end up doing much more harm than good. I've heard so many off the wall sentiments that I'm sure were said with good intentions but we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads... ;)

Some of my favorites so far have been:

-I'm glad it wasn't you. (Haven't talked to that person in 9 months)
-You're still young. (Which means what?)
-Maybe next time you'll be blessed with twins. (Because Avery wasn't a blessing?)
-You can always adopt. (I don't even know why this was said. I haven't been told I can't try again).
-The loss of a child is to pay back a Karmic debt. (Yep, that happened).

These are in addition to all of the cliches that come flying out of people's mouths without any thought. Honestly, a year ago, I too probably would have spewed out some cliched nonsense. (I would not however said any of the above, contrary to many, I am slightly intelligent).

The reason for this post isn't to rant, rave or vent but really to educate. If you are reading this and have not personally been through a loss please listen carefully...

You can't fix this, you can't say anything to un-break my heart.

But what you can do is simple!

-Be there to listen, and I mean listen not try to make it better
-Say my daughter's name. There is nothing better than having someone else bring up Avery.
-If you feel the need to say anything, keep it simple: I'm praying for you, I love you, I'm here for you, etc.

The people who have made the greatest impact on my healing are the ones who do this. And I am thankful for each and everyone of those people. I wouldn't be where I am today without their support and love.

Please be cautious as to what you say to someone who is grieving. We are a delicate bunch and don't need words adding to our hurt.


  1. Yes, yes, and yes! Elaborating on that "everything happens for a reason" thing, someone insinuated that my blog was that reason. (because it was "speaking" to people) Like I'd rather write a blog than have my daughter! People just don't know what they are saying to us sometimes.
    I would love to hear all about Avery!

    1. There is no reason anyone could give that would make the fact that she is not here worth it. I blog for me and while I am glad people have reached out to me and found some sort of help/comfort/meaning out of my words, it in no way shape or form makes losing her OK. Yes, out of all of this, I want to do good, but I would do anything not to be in this place.

  2. I agree 100%!! There was an article on Still Standing yesterday that covers the same topic. One of the quotes from the article really stood out to me...

    Easy for you to say "God needed another angel" since God didn't ask you for yours.


    1. I saw that article too. It was so good. I know God is here with me but using his "plan" to comfort doesn't work. There is nothing about losing a child that is acceptable to me. If this is Gods plan, I don't agree and have told him that over and over and over again.

  3. I'm sorry that people have said these REALLY hurtful things. I'm here for you anytime! And I think of you and Eddy every single day!