Friday, September 28, 2012

Still waiting on answers

It’s been a week since I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office stating we would receive the news we have been waiting over 3 months for “any day now” and I am still waiting.  We are still waiting.  Anger and frustration don’t even scratch the surface of how I am feeling.   Why call me last week and say any day now when it wouldn’t be.  Do they know how it feels to be in our shoes?  Not only do we have to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night without our daughter, the one person we love more than anything in this world, but we have to face every day not knowing what took her from us.  Obviously they don’t or they wouldn’t have told me any day now.
All week I have been on edge.  Every time my phone rings, my heart races, my stomach drops and panic runs through my veins.  Each time my phone rings, I expect it is them calling to finally tell me what took my beautiful daughter away from me so suddenly without anyone noticing something was wrong and each time I am disappointed when it isn’t them.  I wake up every morning with a nervous stomach, nausea sets in and I feel horrible.  I drag myself to the office where I have no focus.  I can’t plan anything because I anticipate any day now I will get the news and need some time away from work and life to process.  At the end of the day, it sets in that today is not the day.  I start to feel better for a little bit, the panic subsides until it’s time to go to sleep.  Getting ready for bed, it starts all over again; tomorrow could finally be the day.  My stomach is in knots, my mind races, sleep is almost impossible.   This has been my routine for the last week and it looks like that will be how next week goes as well.  This weekend my anxiety will subside slightly as I know they won’t be calling but next week I will go back to my “any day now” mentality and the feelings that come along with it.
I don’t know why I need to know so badly.  I don’t know what to expect to feel when I get the news but the anticipation of this news is enough to drive me insane.  I don’t understand what is taking so long.  I just want answers.  I need answers.  I need to be able to process this information.  I hate not knowing. 

I hate everything about this.

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