With Thanksgiving right around the corner, everyone and their mom seems to be participating in the 30 days of thanks on Facebook or on their blogs. I really like the idea and I even through about taking part but I am in such a dark place, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it and for that I feel like a horrible human being.I know I have a lot to be thankful for but the one thing I wanted most isn’t here so I feel like I have nothing. I am not even sure that makes sense. Maybe it’s just me not wanting to be happy. I really don’t know. I just can’t focus on what I AM thankful for when so much of me is still questioning WHY she is gone.
I’ve questioned God a lot lately. At first, I felt like a bad Christian for doing this. I mean, God is God-who questions the creator of Heaven and Earth? He knows all and has given us so much yet I am left feeling abandoned, crushed and disappointed. Why would He do this to us? Why would He do this to anyone? Doesn’t He get how awful this is? How am I supposed to turn to Him, when He could have saved her and didn’t? Why put me through such a crappy childhood and then give me Avery to carry for 9 months, to hold her for 6 days and get my hopes up that I was going to be able to give her the family/childhood I never had? Why break our hearts like this? The truth is I will never know the answers to these questions. And while I’ve been questioning Him a lot lately and feeling bad for it, yesterday our counselor reminded me that there is nothing wrong with questioning. He is our Heavenly Father and like earthly fathers, we are allowed to question. She reminded me that even though I feel a million miles away from Him, He is still there and is listening to me through my anger and tears. And while He isn’t giving me answers, He is listening. And for some reason, that makes me feel just a little bit better.I still can’t come to terms with the fact that this is my life but I am thankful that I have a God that allows me to question and be angry and yet He listens and still loves me. I know He will help us get through each day and I know He is keeping Avery safe.
I know I won’t be able to bring myself to feel thankful everyday so here is my 30 days of thanks all at once:
1. I am thankful for Avery. She has forever changed me.
2. I am thankful for June 6, 2012, the day she was born.
3. I am thankful for June 7, 2012 and the time we spent with Avery and family.
4. I am thankful for June 8, 2012, the day we took her home.
5. I am thankful for June 9, 2012 we spent our 5 year anniversary with our daughter.
6. I am thankful for June 10, 2012 and the afternoon that I got to spend with just Avery and myself.
7. I am thankful for June 11, 2012, our last day as a family. We were blissfully unaware of the pain the next day would bring and enjoyed the day just the three of us.
8. I am thankful that we had her, held her, loved her and were able to spend time with her just the three of us. I love our little family.
9. I am thankful for my wonderful husband. He is my rock, my safe place, my love. He allows me to crumble to a million pieces when I need to and helps put me back together when I am ready. I would not have been able to get through each day without him.
10. I am thankful for our family that is still here for us. There are some that have fallen aside as the months progress but there is a strong core that still remember that it’s the 6th or 12th of the month, who still say her name, who still tell us how much they love her and us.
11. I am thankful for my God who helps me survive each day and allows me to yell.
12. I am thankful for my friends who allow me to still talk about Avery without them shying away. Those who remember important days and can sense when I am having a bad day.
13. I am thankful for rainbows, butterflies, dragonflies and beautiful sunsets; they all make me feel closer to Avery.
14. I am thankful to have a beautiful cemetery not far from home that I can visit when I need to.
15. I am thankful for our dog; he entertains us when the house seems way to quiet.
16. I am thankful for our counselor. She herself has lost a child and is a strong Christian woman. She makes me feel like I am not so crazy.
17. I am thankful for blogging and those I have met through it. It really helps me release some of the thoughts floating around in this open space in my head.
18. I am thankful for organizations that are spreading the work about baby loss.
19. I am thankful my husband and his friends will begin building the playground at our church in memory of Avery. “Avery’s Place” was made possible by the amazing friends, family and community we have.
20. I am thankful that we have the means to run away for the holidays.
21. I am thankful to have a boss and co-workers who do not judge or pressure me to do more than I can.
22. I am thankful for the many pictures I have around the house of Avery.
23. I am thankful for my Molly Bear that weighs 7lbs 15.5 oz. It is such a blessing.
24. I am thankful for new friends that I have made through losing Avery.
25. I am thankful for music. There are so many songs that bring me to tears and give me comfort all at the same time.
26. I am thankful for the community we live in and for everyone who helped us with gifts, food, financially, etc.
27. I am thankful that my husband and I have grown closer together through this and not further apart like so many do.
28. I am thankful to not have to worry about finances on top of everything else right now.
29. I am thankful for my health.
30. I am thankful to have actually done this.