Monday, November 12, 2012

5 months without her

It’s been 5 months until our little girl was stolen from us.  They say time heals, but lately I’ve been feeling the opposite.  The further I get from the last time I held her, cuddled her and rocked her to sleep, the bigger the hole in my heart feels.  Every day without her makes this hole grow just a bit more.  Another day living this new reality; the one where I am reminded over and over that my little girl isn’t here growing in front of my eyes. 
It seems like every day it sinks in even more that I was actually pregnant, I actually had Avery, we actually held her in our arms for 6 days and now she is actually GONE.  My daughter is gone.  She is gone, stolen from me and no matter what I do, I still can’t change that.  I HATE THIS.  Sometimes it just hits me and I lose it all over again. 

The past week has been one of the worse yet.  I haven’t had any motivation, I’m tired all the time, I don’t just cry, I have sobbing fits where I can’t breathe and I feel like I will be sick, I haven’t stayed at work a full day and I am withdrawn.  I have a feeling the time between the 6th and 12th of every month is going to be one to test my strength over and over again.  I don’t know how I am supposed to continue to do this day after day, month after month for the rest of my life.
 I am barely making it though now.  The only way I am making it though at all is because of God.  Even in my darkest days, he is gently leading me through.  If it wasn’t for him, I’d be curled up in bed every day trying to sleep the pain away.  Don’t get me wrong, I have those days where I give in to the temptation and stay in bed for hours.  And I have many more where that is all I want to do but he is there pushing me to get up and live.  I don’t like the life I am being forced to live but I am thankful that He is still here.

I miss my girl more today than I did yesterday.  5 months without her, 5 months of missing her, 5 months of being so broken hearted.  5 months and time doesn’t seem to be healing anything, it actually seems to be making the hurt worse. 

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