I’ve said it many times, I loathe the term “moving on.” To me it implies putting the past completely behind you and forgetting it. Because of this, I will never simply move on like many have implied I should. I will never put Avery behind me or forget the little girl who changed so many people’s worlds in her 6 days here on Earth. But, I have to admit, I am progressing; moving forward perhaps? I don’t know. All I know is I am able to function a little bit better.I’ve digressed, sorry. Back to why today was hard.
As I was saying, I didn’t get much sleep which makes it harder for me to function. On days like today, I am more emotional and cannot refocus my thoughts as easy. I was late to work and cried most of the morning. But today was the day. The day I finally HAD to go to a meeting at the hospital where Avery was born and where the paramedics brought her that terrible morning. I’ve successfully avoided stepping foot on the property for the past 5 ½ months. Which is a feat, considering I work for a subsidiary of the same hospital. As the hours, ticked down, I progressively got more anxious. I couldn’t focus, my heart was beating faster and every ounce of me was screaming, “DON’T DO IT!” But I got in my car and drove to the hospital. Through tears and a panicked phone call to my husband, I somehow managed to drive the 10 miles to the hospital. I parked and sat. Wanting desperately to turn around and go to Avery at the cemetery (it’s close by). But instead, I cried, I prayed, I talked to Avery and looked at her picture. While trying to put myself together, my husband texted me. “Baby girl is so proud of you.” At that moment, I knew I had to go in. Not to meet with my boss and our VP but to make my daughter proud. So, I put on my attempt of a brave face and headed in.I took a route completely avoiding the ER and the elevator we took on our way up to have her and on our way down to bring her home. I avoided the front entrance where Avery and I waited for my husband to pull the car around to take her home, her sleeping soundly in her car seat for the first (and only time). I walked in strong, I took the elevator to the second floor strong, I dropped off an envelope to Administration strong, but as I turned the corner to walk to my VPs office it hit me. One floor directly above me was the floor I paced for hours to help my labor along. I was looking out at the same view I did 5 ½ months ago when I was full of excitement at the approaching arrival of our girl, it sounded the same, smelled the same. I lost it as I was opening the door to the VP offices.
Luckily, one of my co-workers (an amazingly strong woman and cancer survivor) was right there. She took my hand, smiled and let me run to the restroom to try to pull it together. I was able to calm myself so I went to sit with her to wait for our meeting. She started light conversation to distract me and it worked, until the lullaby started playing over the intercom. Whenever a baby is born at our hospital they play a lullaby. I thought to myself, REALLY? There are maybe 3 babies born a day and one happens to be born the minute I put myself back together? But I got through it and we went into our meeting. I survived one of the hardest things I have had to do since Avery’s funeral. And I am still standing.This journey has been a long 5 ½ months, but by the grace of God, I am surviving. I hope He and Avery are proud of me for making that meeting today. As little as that may sound to some, to me, I feel like I took down Goliath.
I am thankful for my husband and my amazing co-workers and bosses who also helped me get through a day I’ve been dreading for months. I wouldn’t be able to do this without all of them.