Facing my fear

Today was a really hard day for me.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and while I wish it was because I was up with a fussy baby but that is not the case.  I just couldn’t sleep and so I laid there and my mind wandered.  A few months ago, a sleepless night was very common.  Slowly, my sleep is getting more regular.  A few months ago, I would relive that horrific day over and over in my mind when I couldn’t sleep, sending me into more of a panic.  Now, I am able to mainly refocus my thoughts to her and the time I did have with her when the bad memories creep in.  My sleepless night last night wasn’t as bad as it would have been a few months ago.  Somehow my grief is evolving and that scares me.  When I am deep in my sorrow, I feel like I am not so far distanced from the time she was here.  When I am deep in pain, I know how much I miss her-my heart literally hurts for her.  Lately, I don’t cry as much or have as many days where I simply cannot get out of bed.  It scares me that I will move on without her. 

I’ve said it many times, I loathe the term “moving on.” To me it implies putting the past completely behind you and forgetting it.  Because of this, I will never simply move on like many have implied I should.  I will never put Avery behind me or forget the little girl who changed so many people’s worlds in her 6 days here on Earth.  But, I have to admit, I am progressing; moving forward perhaps? I don’t know.  All I know is I am able to function a little bit better. 

I’ve digressed, sorry.  Back to why today was hard.

Thanksgiving recap

Well, we survived Thanksgiving and I have to admit going away was probably the best thing for us.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know it was Thanksgiving.  I knew what day it was but not being in the same place, going through the motions of our old Thanksgiving routine, was extremely helpful.  Don’t get me wrong, it still hit me hard that it was Thanksgiving, another holiday without Avery, but it was different because we weren’t doing what we would have been doing with her; it made it easier to get through the day. 

It was also nice to be somewhere where nobody knew us.  I didn’t have to worry about going to the store and seeing someone I hadn’t seen in a while.  I didn’t have to worry about people asking me how I am doing.  I didn’t get the “looks” I get from people who feel sorry for me.  I didn’t have to worry about making small talk.  We were just able to be us.  We were able to blend in and get lost in the crowds.  I am very grateful that we were able to take that trip.  We were able to relax more than we have been able to in the past 5.5 months. 

There were two experiences that really stand out to me from the trip.

Running away

We are leaving today to escape for Thanksgiving. We didn't want to do any of our previously "normal" holiday traditions. We don't even know what normal is for us anymore. So to avoid the torture of sitting through Thanksgiving around everyone else who still has a normal, we are going to Vegas-almost as far away from anyone's normal as possible.

I've heard from some that running away may not be the best, and that may be true, but I really feel like it will be best for us this year. We usually spend Thanksgiving with my mom and sister. This year I was looking forward to taking Avery to my moms house. This would have been her first big trip away from home. She would have met her cousins and spent time with her grandmother. It would have been nice.

If we would have kept those plans this year, I would have been slapped in the face with my sisters 2 beautiful children, one who is only 5 weeks older than Avery. Undoubtedly, she would pawn them off on my mom so she could go out with her friends. (She's a very young mother who goes out more than I think necessary sometimes). I also probably would be forced to have dinner with my moms friend's 2 week old little girl. Please don't take this the wrong way, but that would have been hell for me. Not because I don't love these people, I do. But it would have been just torturous watching everyone else have what we want and seeing how much they take it for granted. For my sanity and the keeping of relationships, it's best I don't go this year. I cannot be held accountable for my actions right now, I have no control over what cones out if my mouth sometimes. My mom and sister probably will never understand but that's ok. I only have the emotional/mental capacity to worry about me (and my husband) right now.

So, off to Vegas we go. I've always wanted to go but never had the chance. And while I am excited, it's not the same excitement I would have once shared because I know I shouldn't be going. I know this is an escape trip and the place I really wish I could be is with Avery and my family. I would give anything to give up any vacation or trip to have her back and spend the holidays with family-dysfunction and all.

I'm not sure how this weekend will go but I do know that Avery will be with us, she always is.

Butterfly Clover

Today was an especially hard day.  I’m struggling with the fact that this is my life now.  I have to go through everyday facing the reality that my daughter is not here and she will not be coming back to me.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to accept this.  I HATE this.  And some days it just hits me like a ton of bricks.  Since today was one of those days, I went by myself to the cemetery just to “be” for a little while.  I needed to cry, I needed to talk to Avery and God, and I just wanted to be close to her place.  While sitting there in the cold grass, I noticed that there is more greenery growing in over her place.  The dirt and sandy are almost covered; another sign marking how long we’ve been without her.  As I looked, I noticed lots of three leaf clovers covering her place.  As I sat one clover in particular caught my eye.  It was close to her stone and it only had 2 leaves that resembled a butterfly.

This little clover shaped like a butterfly made me smile in the midst of my overwhelming emotions.  It was like Avery was there, saying “Mommy I’m OK, I love you.”  I thought about leaving the clover but decided I wanted to keep it safe.  So I took it home with me and pressed it to keep.  On days like today, the smallest things can bring a little light into my heart. 

Here is a picture of the clover Avery left for me. 

5 months without her

It’s been 5 months until our little girl was stolen from us.  They say time heals, but lately I’ve been feeling the opposite.  The further I get from the last time I held her, cuddled her and rocked her to sleep, the bigger the hole in my heart feels.  Every day without her makes this hole grow just a bit more.  Another day living this new reality; the one where I am reminded over and over that my little girl isn’t here growing in front of my eyes. 

It seems like every day it sinks in even more that I was actually pregnant, I actually had Avery, we actually held her in our arms for 6 days and now she is actually GONE.  My daughter is gone.  She is gone, stolen from me and no matter what I do, I still can’t change that.  I HATE THIS.  Sometimes it just hits me and I lose it all over again. 

The past week has been one of the worse yet.  I haven’t had any motivation, I’m tired all the time, I don’t just cry, I have sobbing fits where I can’t breathe and I feel like I will be sick, I haven’t stayed at work a full day and I am withdrawn.  I have a feeling the time between the 6^th and 12^th of every month is going to be one to test my strength over and over again.  I don’t know how I am supposed to continue to do this day after day, month after month for the rest of my life.

 I am barely making it though now.  The only way I am making it though at all is because of God.  Even in my darkest days, he is gently leading me through.  If it wasn’t for him, I’d be curled up in bed every day trying to sleep the pain away.  Don’t get me wrong, I have those days where I give in to the temptation and stay in bed for hours.  And I have many more where that is all I want to do but he is there pushing me to get up and live.  I don’t like the life I am being forced to live but I am thankful that He is still here.

I miss my girl more today than I did yesterday.  5 months without her, 5 months of missing her, 5 months of being so broken hearted.  5 months and time doesn’t seem to be healing anything, it actually seems to be making the hurt worse. 

A Haircut with God

I’ve needed to get my hair cut and colored for at least the past 2 months. I don’t really give much thought to my looks anymore but my hair is starting to be more work than it’s worth and I have some big work meetings coming up soon so it really needed to be done. I’ve been dreading going to my normal hair salon as there is a girl there who is pregnant, very pregnant.  She is a nice enough girl but she is one of those that as a BLM you look at and think, really?!  The universe has a funny way of being fair.  I say this not trying to sound judgmental.  She is very nice and I am sure she will make a fine mom, she just is very annoying to me right now and I really don’t want to be in such close quarters with her. 

So, I decided to switch it up and find someone new to do my hair.  I’ve been putting this off because I knew how it would go…

 Hairstylist:  “Hi.” “How are you today?” Me:  “Hi, nice to meet you.  I’m fine” --LIE

Hairstylist:  “What do you do for work?” Me:  “I work, blah, blah, boring, boring.” –NOT SO BAD

Hairstylist:  “Are you married?” Me:  “Yes, I’ve been married for 5 years now, my husband is amazing.” –AN EASY ONE

Hairstylist:  “Do you have any kids?”  Me:  RUN, HIDE, CRY

This is typical talk when you are meeting anyone new and need to make small talk to get a conversation started.  For a normal person, these questions are harmless, I’ve asked them myself.  But to a BLM it can incite fear and panic.  That’s how I’ve felt all day.  I have been so nervous for this appointment.  I even thought about cancelling it (and have once prior).  But against my better judgment, I kept the appointment, put on my fake face and my armor over my heart and headed to the appointment. 

30 Days of Thanks

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, everyone and their mom seems to be participating in the 30 days of thanks on Facebook or on their blogs.  I really like the idea and I even through about taking part but I am in such a dark place, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it and for that I feel like a horrible human being.   

I know I have a lot to be thankful for but the one thing I wanted most isn’t here so I feel like I have nothing.  I am not even sure that makes sense.  Maybe it’s just me not wanting to be happy.  I really don’t know.  I just can’t focus on what I AM thankful for when so much of me is still questioning WHY she is gone.

I’ve questioned God a lot lately.  At first, I felt like a bad Christian for doing this.  I mean, God is God-who questions the creator of Heaven and Earth?  He knows all and has given us so much yet I am left feeling abandoned, crushed and disappointed.  Why would He do this to us? Why would He do this to anyone?  Doesn’t He get how awful this is? How am I supposed to turn to Him, when He could have saved her and didn’t?  Why put me through such a crappy childhood and then give me Avery to carry for 9 months, to hold her for 6 days and get my hopes up that I was going to be able to give her the family/childhood I never had?  Why break our hearts like this?  The truth is I will never know the answers to these questions.  And while I’ve been questioning Him a lot lately and feeling bad for it, yesterday our counselor reminded me that there is nothing wrong with questioning.  He is our Heavenly Father and like earthly fathers, we are allowed to question.  She reminded me that even though I feel a million miles away from Him, He is still there and is listening to me through my anger and tears.  And while He isn’t giving me answers, He is listening.  And for some reason, that makes me feel just a little bit better.

View From Heaven

View From Heaven by Yellowcard

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life

late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone

and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too

and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year

i hope that all is well in heaven
cuz its all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cuz i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye

5 Month Birthday

5 Months ago our family grew from 2 to 3 at 2:27am. Our little Avery entered this world and changed our lives forever. I still can't believe I was only able to hold her in my arms for 6 days. She was so perfect, so lovely, so amazing.

Today is such a hard day. I should be taking cheesy monthly pictures and updating what milestones she has hit. Part of me wants to look on Baby Center to see what she would be doing at 5 months but that would just be rubbing salt in the wound. What's the point in torturing myself? I will never know what Avery would be like at 5 months and it breaks my heart.

Today should be a happy day, celebrating another month with our precious baby. I tried to remember the good and tried to stay positive but I cannot. She isn't here and it just isn't fair. Watching her grow for only 6 days is not how I saw the future. This is not anywhere close to the future I saw. I want my future back.

Happy 5 Months Baby Girl. I miss your sweetness more and more everyday.

Butterflies

I’ve been having a pretty rough week.  Even when trying to escape the pain, the overwhelming reality of this huge whole in my heart still finds its way in.  I’ve put on my fake face and made it through the last few days.  And I’ve had good moments in the midst of my pain.  Today, we volunteered to help some good friends move.  Not that I love manual labor but they have been great to us and getting out of the house sounded like a great idea.  And it really was.  During the few hours we were helping them I was surrounded by beauty and a positive reminder.

On the way to their house, I grabbed a healthy breakfast (McDonald’s) and while in the drive thru, there was a huge butterfly that followed us through.  Then when we got to their apartment I saw at least 3 different butterflies.  On the way to their new house, I saw so many more along the road.  It seemed like I saw more butterflies in the 4 hours we were out this morning than I have in one day. 

Since losing Avery, I’ve noticed butterflies and dragonflies more than ever.  Normally they are dancing around when I am visiting the cemetery or floating through my backyard while I am outside with the dog.  I’ve always associated them with her.  Not that I think she is a butterfly, but I sometimes think they are sent my way just as a way to make me smile and bring peace.  After having such a rough week and seeing so many today, I decided to see what symbolic meaning butterflies have in different cultures.

Welcome to Grief-Land

Welcome to Grief-Land, the most miserable place on earth.

Just when I think the rollercoaster ride I am on is entering a slow, flat, straight part of the tracks, I quickly realize I am simply, slowly making my way up and up, higher and higher, each semi-ok day just a click on the track as I make my way to the top.  I am simply just approaching the top part of the track, the part right before I am sent speeding down the tracks, on a stomach churning free fall.  That’s what I think the past week or so has been; it’s just been leading me back into an all engulfing grief free fall-a place where my anger, bitterness and depression all surround me and pull me down.

Just when I think I am OK with STILL waiting on answers, I am reminded how much I really, REALLY need them to call.  I call at least once a week and am told each time, soon.  They’ve been saying soon for 6 weeks now!  I called on Halloween and was told they would be meeting on Thursday to discuss Avery.  So, today I called again.  Just to be told, something came up and they didn’t actually discuss her.  SERIOUSLY?!?  Are you kidding me?  I understand there are probably tons of last minute things that come up with you are a medical examiner but wouldn’t you think that you would make a case like ours a priority?  It’s so infuriating!  If their office was actually located in the town where I live, I would probably have made a visit by now.  So here I sit and wait; letting my frustration stew until I am boiling mad.