I looked at the calendar on my phone this morning and realized August was gone and September was upon us. Summer is ending, well not really in here in Florida, but in many other places, the cooler weather will soon be setting in, leaves changing and days getting shorter. Fall will soon to be upon us. While I am happy to leave this awful summer behind, my mind focuses on my husband. Fall is one of his times of the year-college football season starts.Today, we will be watching the first game of the year for his favorite team the Miami Hurricanes. And I am sure on the outside he will seem excited for football, I know that on the inside he will be thinking of her. Like me, there are so many things that he is going to miss out doing with our little girl. Things he wanted to share with her as her Daddy. And today, will be one of those. Since we found out we were expecting, he was stoked to watch games with his baby. When we found out Avery was coming, he was even more excited to make his girl a football fan. He bought her first onesie-a Hurricanes onesie. He looked forward to watching this game with her in his arms. And it breaks my heart that he can’t do that today. We will be watching football this afternoon, seemingly like we have done every year before, but this year our hearts are so heavy.
My husband is an amazing man. He holds me together through all of this. He is the one who stays strong, who talks to people when I can’t, who took the lead in making arrangements when I couldn’t think straight, who holds me when I cry, who tells me I can quit my job if I can’t do it, who keeps us together. He is also an amazing Dad. He was there with our girl the second she was pulled out, there with her when I was recovering from surgery, there for her when it was hard for me to get up and down after my c-section, there for her when she cried, needed changing, needed cuddling-he was and is always there for her. He is an amazing husband and father and I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
So it breaks my heart that under his tough exterior I can see his pain. I can see it daily eventhough he doesn’t realize it. I can see it in his eyes. I can see how much he misses her, how much he hurts, how much he loves her, how much he thinks of her. I can see how tough today will be for him without her here to watch the big game with him. Today, I want to be the strong one, the one who holds him together when his heart is breaking over and over again.I dressed one of her teddy bears in the onesie he bought her to wear for the games last night and it made him smile. I hope that together we can continue to hold each other together for her. That we will always find ways to be a family, to keep her with us in everything we do. Today, Mommy, Daddy and our Avery bear will watch football together with our little girl watching down on us from Heaven. Maybe she can even pull some strings and make sure the games comes out in our favor J. Today, I love my husband more than ever and miss what today should have been.
Avery and Daddy at the hospital in his Hurricanes shirt.