Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Not My Problem

I really just don’t care about much anymore.  It’s hard to really care about of anything much when I feel like the one thing in the world I cared the most for is gone.  I have a problem nobody can fix.  Therefore, the so called problems of the world don’t matter much.  I really don’t worry about anything right now; work, bills, petty things, none of it matters at all to me.  So it’s really hard to care about other people’s “problems.”  I sometimes feel like I am the worst friend/relative because to me none of their “problems” matter. I understand that to some people their so called “problems” are huge but to me, compared to everything I’ve gone through in the last 3 months, they don’t matter at all. 
My family is going through drama right now with the passing of my grandfather (drama they bring on themselves).  Normally, I’m the one everyone complains to and they still do!  As they are complaining, in my head I’m thinking, “Really, REALLY!  Do you think I care at ALL about your problems???”  I just want to scream at them, “Grow up and act like adults!” (Note:  these people are all at least 20 years older than me and include my mother).  And I really feel like I have the right to yell at them but the people pleaser side of me just sits, listens, and “ok’s” them when necessary until they are done unloading their issues on me and I can get off the phone.  Do people really not get it?  They must not.  If they did, I wouldn’t get phone calls of them just complaining.  I want to scream, “My daughter is gone-I don’t care at all about your stupid problems!” followed by every expletive I can think of. 

I think these thoughts frequently.  It’s not just my family but it’s employees at work (you deal with everyone’s problems when you are in HR), it’s friends, its literally EVERYONE on Facebook.  People don’t understand.  And in all honesty, until I lost Avery, I thought these things were real problems too.  I complained about little things, I worried about work, bills, how I looked, who did this or that.  But now, I see that these things don’t matter at all.  They are not what is important in life.  Life is incredibly short and unpredictable.  It is not worth it to stress and worry over everything. 

My husband and I saw a counselor yesterday.  I had reservations going into it but I kept an open mind.  The person we are seeing is of the same faith as us and she too has lost a child.  It was honestly great to meet with her.  One of the big things I got out of our meeting yesterday was to not spend any of my emotional energy that I have on anyone other than myself, my husband and my daughter.  That right now, I don’t need to worry about everyone else, we just need to focus on us right now.  I felt relieved that I wasn’t just being cynical in my thoughts about other people’s problems.  It’s literally just that I don’t have it in me right now to do so and that I shouldn’t.
I guess I am just happy to say that I just don’t care about anyone else right now.  I am focused on my family-my husband, my beautiful daughter and myself.  I need to let everyone else deal with their own “problems.”  Now, I just need to put that into action….

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