“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”I recently stumbled over this quote and it really resonated with me. It sums up my life in only 32 words. This week, I have actually made it into work 4 days in a row, a big step for me. Most days, I get overwhelmed easily. While I was on leave from work, not much was done at work. I have A LOT to catch up on, which is good because it keep me busy throughout the day. But each day, all day, no matter what I am doing, I have to consciously fight my feelings.
Avery is constantly on the forefront of my mind but I am getting better at controlling when I let the deep feelings of loss and sadness get the best of me. All day, I fight to keep these feelings at bay. I am getting better at controlling my emotions. I am getting better at not feeling guilty when I can make it through a day without being an emotional wreck. I am learning to cope in a better way. Even though I am better at getting through a work day, I am not able to fight it forever. As soon as I leave the office and I get in the car to go home, all the feelings start to sink in-the loss, the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, the guilty. By the time I make the last turn into my neighborhood, the tears are steadily rolling down my cheeks and I am exhausted; another day down, another night coming home to a quiet, baby-less house. I try so hard to be strong all day, to be focused on my work but at the end of the day, I am not strong anymore. I am falling to pieces all over again.
It hurts. I miss my daughter, I miss her like crazy.