Friday, September 21, 2012

Strong by Day, Weak by Night

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
I recently stumbled over this quote and it really resonated with me.  It sums up my life in only 32 words.  This week, I have actually made it into work 4 days in a row, a big step for me.  Most days, I get overwhelmed easily.  While I was on leave from work, not much was done at work.  I have A LOT to catch up on, which is good because it keep me busy throughout the day.  But each day, all day, no matter what I am doing, I have to consciously fight my feelings. 

Avery is constantly on the forefront of my mind but I am getting better at controlling when I let the deep feelings of loss and sadness get the best of me.  All day, I fight to keep these feelings at bay.  I am getting better at controlling my emotions.  I am getting better at not feeling guilty when I can make it through a day without being an emotional wreck.  I am learning to cope in a better way.  Even though I am better at getting through a work day, I am not able to fight it forever.  As soon as I leave the office and I get in the car to go home, all the feelings start to sink in-the loss, the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, the guilty.  By the time I make the last turn into my neighborhood, the tears are steadily rolling down my cheeks and I am exhausted; another day down, another night coming home to a quiet, baby-less house.  I try so hard to be strong all day, to be focused on my work but at the end of the day, I am not strong anymore.  I am falling to pieces all over again. 

It hurts.  I miss my daughter, I miss her like crazy. 

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