More signs

One of the hardest parts about life without Avery is getting back into a routine and doing activities we did before her.  Everything we do just doesn’t feel right.  Everything we do should be done with her or differently than before she was born but she isn’t here and we have to continue living life.  It was with much trepidation that I accompanied my husband Friday night to the first game for the fall Church League Softball season.   Last time I went to a softball game, I was a blimp.  The last time I went to a game, I was 37 weeks pregnant full of life, hope and joy.  I didn’t watch much of the last few games of the spring season as I was too busy talking about babies with the other moms at the field.  Not only was I excited for Avery’s arrival but so were they.  We anticipated starting the fall season off with a stroller and an almost 4 month old.  That was not how it went Friday.

Friday, the start of the season, looked like it did this time last year from the outside.  This time last year I didn’t know I was pregnant, the Florida heat was still in full effect and there I was toting along my chair to watch my husband play softball.  On the outside Friday looked just like it did this time last year but inside it felt SO VERY WRONG.  I knew it would be trying returning there without her, I felt so empty.  But as we were walking up, I noticed the most beautiful sight.  In a perfect blue sky, with no rain in sight, shining down on the fields were two amazing rainbows.  Every time I see a rainbow, I think of my baby girl smiling down on me from Heaven.  I took a picture and started to feel a little less anxious about the fact that the season was starting off completely different than I had planned last May.  It warmed my heart and reassured me that I could make it through.  I find strength from these signs I feel God sends down to me from my daughter.  Little did I know as we were walking to the field how much these 2 rainbows would symbolize.

Still waiting on answers

It’s been a week since I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office stating we would receive the news we have been waiting over 3 months for “any day now” and I am still waiting.  We are still waiting.  Anger and frustration don’t even scratch the surface of how I am feeling.   Why call me last week and say any day now when it wouldn’t be.  Do they know how it feels to be in our shoes?  Not only do we have to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night without our daughter, the one person we love more than anything in this world, but we have to face every day not knowing what took her from us.  Obviously they don’t or they wouldn’t have told me any day now.

All week I have been on edge.  Every time my phone rings, my heart races, my stomach drops and panic runs through my veins.  Each time my phone rings, I expect it is them calling to finally tell me what took my beautiful daughter away from me so suddenly without anyone noticing something was wrong and each time I am disappointed when it isn’t them.  I wake up every morning with a nervous stomach, nausea sets in and I feel horrible.  I drag myself to the office where I have no focus.  I can’t plan anything because I anticipate any day now I will get the news and need some time away from work and life to process.  At the end of the day, it sets in that today is not the day.  I start to feel better for a little bit, the panic subsides until it’s time to go to sleep.  Getting ready for bed, it starts all over again; tomorrow could finally be the day.  My stomach is in knots, my mind races, sleep is almost impossible.   This has been my routine for the last week and it looks like that will be how next week goes as well.  This weekend my anxiety will subside slightly as I know they won’t be calling but next week I will go back to my “any day now” mentality and the feelings that come along with it.

I don’t know why I need to know so badly.  I don’t know what to expect to feel when I get the news but the anticipation of this news is enough to drive me insane.  I don’t understand what is taking so long.  I just want answers.  I need answers.  I need to be able to process this information.  I hate not knowing. 

I hate everything about this.

God's perfect timing

It’s bittersweet; her headstone is finally placed at her graveside.  It’s is beautiful.  We are very blessed to have known the man who created the stone for her.  He did an amazing job.  The stone stands out, just like she would have.  It adds even more beauty to the part of the cemetery in which she is buried.  I am so thankful that the stone is finally there; marking her resting place for the entire world to see.  For the last 3 plus months, her place has been marked by a plant and a few pretty pin wheels that someone placed there for her.  I am glad to see that her space finally looks official.  But I also know this is one of the last few things I get to do for my daughter.  I should have a lifetime of buying her things but instead I am purchasing a piece of granite to mark the burial place for my 6 day old daughter. 

The timing of the headstone being placed is perfect.  For the past several weeks I have been anxiously awaiting her headstone and her autopsy results.  As always, God’s timing on placing her headstone was perfect.  I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office today.  They were calling to let me know all the results from the tests they conducted were back and as soon as the Examiner reviewed everything and finalized the report they could release the results to us.  They were at least able to tell me the results indicate an actual cause, that it would not be ruled as SIDS.  Receiving this news put me in a tailspin. 

A slap in the face and inspiration all on one

I decided to log into pinterest to gain some inspiration for a prayer flag for Avery that I want to make for an October 15th remembrance ceremony held in Australia by the wonderful Carly Marie (http://www.carlymarieprojectheal.com) and there it is, my board for baby ideas.  I started the board when I first found out I was pregnant and it quickly became my guilty pleasure.  I would pin frequently ideas for Avery's room, crafts to do once she was here anything baby.  I haven't logged in since before she was born.  I knew it would be there, I just didn't remember how much I had pinned.  There were the plans I had for her, live and in living color.  Hand prints, bookshelves, memory books, things I will never get to do with her.  It was like a slap in the face.  So much, I don't and will never get to do with her. 

I thought about deleting it all.  Why be constantly reminded of what i can't have?  But, I've decided to keep it.  That board is Avery's.  It's my hopes and dreams.  It's what I thought of when she was growing inside of me.  That board is her.  As much as it hurts to look at it, it also makes me smile.  It's a reminder of how much love I had for her even before I held her for the first time.  While I can't create the things in the board, I can look back and be reminded of how much she changed me even before she was born.

Even though, it was hard to see, I think I may have found inspiration!  One thing I had posted was a cute wall plaque that read, "No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."  How true that is!  I may add this to my prayer flag if there is room.  I'd like to think that maybe seeing the board wasn't such a bad thing, maybe Avery was sending me a sign, that she's here and she knows how much I love her. 

Strong by Day, Weak by Night

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

I recently stumbled over this quote and it really resonated with me.  It sums up my life in only 32 words.  This week, I have actually made it into work 4 days in a row, a big step for me.  Most days, I get overwhelmed easily.  While I was on leave from work, not much was done at work.  I have A LOT to catch up on, which is good because it keep me busy throughout the day.  But each day, all day, no matter what I am doing, I have to consciously fight my feelings. 

Avery is constantly on the forefront of my mind but I am getting better at controlling when I let the deep feelings of loss and sadness get the best of me.  All day, I fight to keep these feelings at bay.  I am getting better at controlling my emotions.  I am getting better at not feeling guilty when I can make it through a day without being an emotional wreck.  I am learning to cope in a better way.  Even though I am better at getting through a work day, I am not able to fight it forever.  As soon as I leave the office and I get in the car to go home, all the feelings start to sink in-the loss, the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, the guilty.  By the time I make the last turn into my neighborhood, the tears are steadily rolling down my cheeks and I am exhausted; another day down, another night coming home to a quiet, baby-less house.  I try so hard to be strong all day, to be focused on my work but at the end of the day, I am not strong anymore.  I am falling to pieces all over again. 

It hurts.  I miss my daughter, I miss her like crazy. 

Awkward Comments

People say stupid things when they don’t know what else to say.  Here we are 3 months later and I feel the awkwardness all the time.  We walk into church and I can feel it, all eyes on us.  I answer the phone at work, on the other end someone who doesn’t realize I’m back and I can tell they want to hang up; they aren’t ready to talk to me.  They stumble over what to say and hurry off the phone.  I am that girl, the girl who lost her baby.  Nobody knows how to handle seeing me or talking to me.  So I am forced to endure their awkwardness that generally just annoys me.

How are you? – I always reply with OK or hanging in there.  I don’t burden them with the truth.  The truth is that every day I wake up to my own personal hell, a nightmare that will never end.  That I am angry and bitter.  Nope, I don’t tell them the truth, why would I want to make them uncomfortable?

You look great. – Really, lie to me some more.  I don’t look great.  I still have 30 pounds to lose, my skin is going through puberty again as it trys to handle my ever changing hormones, I don’t care to do my hair or make-up more than enough to be considered presentable at work or in public.  So, really, don’t lie.  Don’t even make the comment.  It just annoys me more than it makes me feel better.

A future lost, a present full of anger and bitterness

And just like that, she’s been gone for 3 whole months and I am still full of questions, still waiting for answers, still full of a variety of emotions.

I’ve been dreading today.  It’s been a quarter of a year since she has been in Heaven, a whole trimester of pregnancy. I dread today because it brings back the memories of that day.  Memories I try to block out most days.  I remember every detail of that awful day like it just happened yesterday.  The details of that horrible day are permanently burned into my mind.  I can see it all so clear.  That day, that morning changed my life forever.  In an instant, I was a changed woman.

I went from a tired but ecstatic first time mom, figuring out the best techniques for breastfeeding and charting every feeding and diaper change to a grieving mom.  A mother who was just told her baby was gone, a mother who found out that the life she saw in the future, a life where she watched her baby girl take her first steps, say her first words, start school, go away to college, get married and have babies of her own was gone and never coming back.   A mother whose heart crumbled to a million pieces in that moment, pieces that will never be found, a heart that will never be complete again.  My life, our future, our little girl was gone just like that and we couldn’t do anything to change it.  We left the hospital in shock, completely lost. 

Surviving vs Living

I survived another month.  Yesterday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I woke up this morning to a new day.  Maybe it was because I kept myself busy, that I kept myself from dwelling on the many emotions I was feeling, maybe I just blocked it all. Whatever the reason, I survived.

But today, I am down, really down.  I feel exhausted even though I slept for 9 hours last night.   Without my baby girl, I feel broken; I don’t feel whole or even relatively like any part of the old me.  I find myself just going through the motions of life in survival mode and yesterday made me realize this.  I am not actually living like but rather just getting through it. 

When Avery passed, I felt a need to live.  I realized how short life is and I didn’t want life to pass me by.  I told myself and my husband that we weren’t going to let excuses hold us back from things.  We were going to travel, do more things together, try different things, etc.  I am sorry to say that in the past 3 months, I haven’t lived at all. 

Happy 3 Month Birthday Baby Girl

Today my little girl turns 3 months old in Heaven and not in my arms.  The past 3 months have gone excruciatingly slow yet I cannot believe it’s already been 3 months since I gave birth to a little miracle.  3 months ago I was enjoying by far the best day of my life.  I am overcome by so many emotions today.  I am full of “should bes” and sadness.  I should be taking pictures of her today to track her growth in photos and I should be journaling what she’s accomplished, her habits, personality, etc.  I have so many “should be” moments that will never become a reality for Avery and me.  Today, I could focus on the sadness of marking her 3 months without her but today, I am choosing to remember the good and focus on the positive.  My daughter, who only lived 6 days, impacted me in ways I never realized possible.  Today, and hopefully every monthly birthday, I will focus on the good that came to be because of my beautiful, precious daughter.

Avery has…

Not My Problem

I really just don’t care about much anymore.  It’s hard to really care about of anything much when I feel like the one thing in the world I cared the most for is gone.  I have a problem nobody can fix.  Therefore, the so called problems of the world don’t matter much.  I really don’t worry about anything right now; work, bills, petty things, none of it matters at all to me.  So it’s really hard to care about other people’s “problems.”  I sometimes feel like I am the worst friend/relative because to me none of their “problems” matter. I understand that to some people their so called “problems” are huge but to me, compared to everything I’ve gone through in the last 3 months, they don’t matter at all. 

My family is going through drama right now with the passing of my grandfather (drama they bring on themselves).  Normally, I’m the one everyone complains to and they still do!  As they are complaining, in my head I’m thinking, “Really, REALLY!  Do you think I care at ALL about your problems???”  I just want to scream at them, “Grow up and act like adults!” (Note:  these people are all at least 20 years older than me and include my mother).  And I really feel like I have the right to yell at them but the people pleaser side of me just sits, listens, and “ok’s” them when necessary until they are done unloading their issues on me and I can get off the phone.  Do people really not get it?  They must not.  If they did, I wouldn’t get phone calls of them just complaining.  I want to scream, “My daughter is gone-I don’t care at all about your stupid problems!” followed by every expletive I can think of. 

Football with her Daddy

I looked at the calendar on my phone this morning and realized August was gone and September was upon us.  Summer is ending, well not really in here in Florida, but in many other places, the cooler weather will soon be setting in, leaves changing and days getting shorter.  Fall will soon to be upon us.  While I am happy to leave this awful summer behind, my mind focuses on my husband.  Fall is one of his times of the year-college football season starts.

Today, we will be watching the first game of the year for his favorite team the Miami Hurricanes.  And I am sure on the outside he will seem excited for football, I know that on the inside he will be thinking of her.  Like me, there are so many things that he is going to miss out doing with our little girl.  Things he wanted to share with her as her Daddy.  And today, will be one of those.  Since we found out we were expecting, he was stoked to watch games with his baby.  When we found out Avery was coming, he was even more excited to make his girl a football fan.  He bought her first onesie-a Hurricanes onesie.  He looked forward to watching this game with her in his arms.  And it breaks my heart that he can’t do that today.  We will be watching football this afternoon, seemingly like we have done every year before, but this year our hearts are so heavy.