Friday, October 12, 2012

4 Months of Missing her

Today makes 4 months since our precious little girl went to Heaven; 4 of the longest yet fastest months of my life.  I can still replay that morning when we woke up to her not breathing in vivid detail in my mind.  The horrors of that morning are burned deep into my memory.  Over the past 4 months, I’ve learned not to dwell on them as often, I try to push them into the far reaches of my mind.  But it hurts me so much that I can remember the details of that morning better than I can remember the details of those 6 days with us.  I hate that.  I want to remember every second of those 6 days but I feel like so many of those details are lost.  Today, I am trying to focus on her and what I miss instead of the hell we went through 4 months ago today.
I miss…

·         The softness of her skin.

·         Rubbing her cheeks while she was nursing.

·         Running my fingers through her beautiful hair.

·         The face she would make when she would be trying to latch on to nurse.  She would move her head back and forth with her mouth wide open, almost panicked that she couldn’t find what she was looking for.    

·         Her smell.

·         Listening to my husband laugh when she passed gas loudly.  He through it was so funny these loud farts coming from such a small girl. 

·         The weight of her in my arms.  She was chunky.

·         Her eyes, she was still working on focusing and would get cross-eyed.

·         The sounds and coos she made while falling asleep.

·         Her cry-so distinct, so loud.

·         Her skinny little legs.

·         Her smile.

·         Her silly faces.

·         Worrying about her and tracking her every diaper change and feeding.

·         Nursing her.

·         Feeling her skin against mine.

·         Feeling her move inside of me.

·         Hearing her heartbeat at the OB appointments.

·         Watching her sleep.

·         Watching my husband love on her.

·         Having a future that included watching her grow.

·         The way she would grab my finger.

·         The face she made when she was hungry, like she was nursing the air.

·         How she would kick her legs all around when being changed.

·         The way she slept with her hand near her face, like I do. 

·         Watching the way she changed each day. 
I just miss her so much.  I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that no matter what I do, she isn’t coming back.  I can’t fix this.  I just have to get through each day until I get to meet her again in Heaven.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.  Today is one of those days where every ounce of my being just wants to crawl back in bed.  I want to dream of her and wake up with her in her bassinet next to me.

I miss her so much and I always will.

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