Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3: Self Portrait after the Loss

Today’s photo challenge was to post a self-portrait of after your loss.  Since losing Avery, I haven’t allowed any photos to be taken of me.  To be honest, I don’t think anyone has attempted.  I haven’t exactly been doing things that warrant a photo to remember the day.  So, I took a photo of myself and added a dark shadow.  I know from the outsider looking at me, for the most part I look like I use to.  I am functioning; I wake up, get ready for the day and go through the motions.  You may even catch a smile on my face.  But my outward appearance does not truly reflect how I really feel.  My outward appearance is just me putting on a front to get through another day without her.
Truth is, every day I feel like I am in a fog.  I feel surrounded by a dark, heavy fog that no matter how much I try to let my fake smile shine through the fog doesn’t fully lift.  It is heaviest in the morning, as the day progresses I can see through it a little better but it’s still there and then as night falls, it comes back just as dark and dense as it was in the morning.  For the past 16 weeks since Avery left this is how I have felt.  I am sure that in time, the fog will lift and I will be able to face each day with a more clear view and a clear understating of who I am not but for now, I’m the girl with the fake smile trying to burn through the fog. 

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