Halloween

So, it’s Halloween, a holiday that has never meant much to me.  I didn’t think this holiday would have much of an impact on me, but it has.  I am pretty much steering clear of Facebook today because the few times I went on, I was bombarded with pictures of other’s children all dressed up for the day.  Pictures that I thought I too would be posting.  Today is another day that is not turning out the way I saw it only short 5 months ago.  5 months ago, I envisioned being excited to get home from work and put Avery into a cute baby costume.  I still envision her in a cute little monkey outfit, with her cute chubby cheeks peeking out. She would have been the cutest monkey ever! Here in Florida, it is normally hot on Halloween.  I remember thinking that we probably would only visit our family on Halloween so that poor Avery in her costume wasn’t uncomfortable.  But this year, the weather is perfect!  It may have almost been a bit cool for her, but she would have been comfortable in her fuzzy little costume.  We would have been able to spend more time outside and with family.  But instead of this, here I sit, alone with no traditional Halloween plans.  Our plans for tonight consist of looking for silk flowers for her grave, trying to find a place to photograph the sunset for the last day of the capture your grief challenge, going to dinner and then turning out all of the lights, avoiding children at all costs and watching a movie.  I absolutely HATE that these are our plans now.  This is not how it was supposed to be.

Today has also made me realize that Christmas is going to be terrible.  I really think we are going to pack up and go out of town, avoid Christmas all together.  I am sure our families will miss us, but I just want to pretend Christmas isn’t happening.  I’ve decided today, I am cancelling Christmas.  I am also scared for the future.  How do I do this year after year?  She isn’t coming back and everything I face will be without her.  I just cannot fathom how I will get through this year after year.